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Anhedonia

by Drewsif

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1.
Ink 04:18
Line approaching line End apprehending end Inching closer and closer Windows closing Exhaling impaired judgement Like father like son A replica more flawed than the archetype Hoping desperately my pen runs dry While procuring more and more ink. Put the period on this sick fucking run on sentence And I can't blame you For what you've been dealt The sting of neglect A mother's love unfelt But where do I turn when I feel the same? This is a shared burden, no passing on the blame. Line approaching line End apprehending end Inching closer and closer Windows closing Exhaling impaired judgement Like father like son A replica more flawed than the archetype Hoping desperately my pen runs dry While procuring more and more ink. Scribing the same sentence again and again Will the circle remain unbroken?
2.
Grip 03:15
3.
Ruin 04:25
Trapped within the realm of sleep; A world awake, and I still dream. If you should find me and I refuse to stir My reoccurring nightmare has come true: The lines have blurred. Be it dreams, be it reality, my subconscious keeps it’s foot to my throat. Please release me from the ties that bind. There’s no escaping this horrible place in my mind. A place where my doubts and my fears are suspended in time. Where self-conclusion seems so divine. A place I would never want to be. (line approaching line) The dark, disgusting part of me. Line approaching line. End apprehending end.
4.
Bereft 06:03
Vodka on your breath. Heart devoid of dreams. Hope that left so long ago. Mangled by paternity. Wine on your breath. Mouth full of hate. Hope that left so long ago. Mangled by maternity. The apple falls directly below the tree. But the tree is dead Which leaves the apple Rotten as can be. Wary me. Parry me. Carry me. Bury me. (Line approaching line. End apprehending end.) Bright futures thrown away In the name of an escape Words from aspiring artists Replaced by silent mouths agape Nights forgotten, Vice begotten. Wary me. Parry me. Carry me. Bury me. (Line approaching line. End apprehending end.) Bereft behest. An authors voice Silenced on a blank page. Numbing the sting Of inadequacy. Unfair exchange: Thought for naught. Leaning on crutches Meant for killing slowly Now you can only bide your time The apple falls Directly below the tree But the tree is dead Which leaves the apple Rotten as can be Rotten. Fertile, though rotten through. Germination begins as corrupt seeds spread their sickness through the landscape; Infecting all.
5.
Outcome 03:58
Incisions Too shallow To remove What ails me Lacerations Too meager To render (my) Consciousness Predisposed Juxtaposed Undisclosed Illness throes Hindering my Progression Stagnancy Defeats me Despite my best efforts, This exchange died years ago So much wasted love and remorse Spent clinging to the corpse. Rot. I will bury the debt, But I will no longer mourn the dead. In spite of all of this, i surely hope your words meant well more often than not. But either way, I say we let them fucking rot. (Alone in my thoughts) Worshipping My sickness. Dependence On sadness Brings me nothing But the same Consequence Same outcome Day by day; descending. Sinking deep down the drain No heroics, let me drown.
6.
Monkton 03:31
Shadows under my eyes darken with the passing of light. Warm turns to cold turns to black. Black remains until warm fights back. On the warmest days On the coldest nights I found my home in your eyes. Sleep Would come sporadically, Waking me erratically. Inward reflection Offers the ugliest sight. I’ve watched the lines on my face grow like shadows at day’s end. And I’ve lost control, I wander alone Until in your eyes, I found my home. On the warmest days On the coldest nights I found my home in your eyes. And if our happiest moments are truly seldom to linger, then I know i’ve watched them fade away with you. On the warmest days On the coldest nights I found my home in your eyes.
7.
Naught 03:03
Fall away. As we'll do. The strings are tugged and taught. Fraying with my demeanor. Wisps and whispers float along Captive in infinity. I can only hope to hear her's. I can only hope to feel her's. Smolder out. As we'll do. She sings her songs of naught. And I'm praying that I'll hear her. Wisps and whispers float along Captive in infinity. She sings her songs of naught. And I'm praying that I'll hear her.
8.
Augury 04:14
Fall away As we'll do Smolder out As we'll do I spent so much time staring at the ceiling that in my daze with my head raised I never looked down to see the writing on the wall I watched you pulling away while reassuring me of your involvement. Ex-communicate. Not a single bit of effort for you. Fuck. After all is said and done, We never fought, and nobody won. And at first we grew together But you were only here for fair weather. I held you up so high, Put you on a pedestal. But you let your love die. And now you'll fall down. To the fucking cement. To the hell that you've kept me in. After all is said and done, I am still my father's son. With my mother tongue unspoken The circle remains unbroken The augury I was too blind to see.
9.
Onset 00:31
10.
Love of mine I've come to hate Such animosity you create. Hateful glances at my reflection To man in the mirror: I abhor you now You are the antithesis I’ll now collate, Reiterate To deconstruct And reinstate My thoughts of you Remain askew Despite assuaging, start anew Discussed in disgust This distrust Conceived deceit Constructs defeat Alone in my thoughts... again. Love of mine I've come to hate Such animosity you create. The thoughts inate That now gestate Here I fixate As I abate. Hands that used to dance with fingers intertwined Now seem to pay advance no single shred of mind How far will you lead me and how far will I lead myself? To the brink of madness. Am I the only one at fault? Sinking into myself now Drowning in speculation and conjecture Have i lost my mind? Alone in my thoughts As time and space Attempt to erase Everything I’ve loved Anhedonia.
11.
Line approaching line End apprehending end Inching closer and closer Windows closing Exhaling impaired judgement Like father like son A replica more flawed than the archetype The apple falls directly below the tree but the tree is dead which leaves the apple rotten as can be. Hoping desperately my pen runs dry While procuring more and more ink. Scribing the same sentence again and again Will the circle remain unbroken? A good man grows cold. With every knife And every arrow With every obstacle Some say character is built A good man grows old With every failure And every regret With every goodbye Some say he gains wisdom Here stands our good man, alone, shattered and bleeding From every mistake every betrayal And every lesson learned A good man as good as dead.

credits

released June 1, 2017

Produced, Engineered, Mixed, Mastered, and Performed by Drewsif Stalin.
Violin on "Outcome" performed by Gary Eurice.
Additional Synth on "Outcome" performed by Austin Woodward.

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Drewsif Baltimore

Independent musician from Baltimore, Maryland. Ranging from Progressive Metal to Soundtracks and Soundscapes, Drewsif follows any and all paths before him.

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